Things they didn’t tell me

You shouldn’t read this if you believe there are some things a lady should never discuss.  Because I’m about to get to discussin’.  Some of it will leave you open-mouthed.  That is the nature of pregnancy, folks.

• One day you just feel bloated.  The next day, none of your pants fit and you aren’t quite sure how you are going to dress yourself for work.
• Your bras and underwear also don’t fit as well.  That’s fun.
• There is discharge.  Yep…from there.  Totally natural but still alarming.  And just when you think you are getting a handle on it, there is more of it.
• You feel pressure in vagina.  No other way to say it.
• Skin tags are also normal.  You will get them in places that you never…EVER…thought you would.  You will also be bored one day and rip one off just to see what happens.  Spoiler alert:  they don’t hurt BUT they bleed like a mother.  You might think you are dying.
• No one can prepare you for the first time you feel your baby move inside of you.  And for several weeks, you are the only person that can feel it.  It is such a special and private moment between you and your baby.
• I have never been more aware of my tailbone in my life.  That sucker hurts.
• If you have a crappy office chair, you will develop such a hatred for it.  You will also develop interesting ways of stretching your aching back because of said crappy chair.  Your office mates will find it amusing.
• There will be days that you struggle with your changing body.  Going shopping for maternity clothing DOES NOT help because the ones you can afford make you look like a large, shapeless bag and the really pretty clothes are ridiculously expensive considering the short period of time you can actually wear them.  WTF??
• Some days you can see your ankles.  Some days you are full cankle.
• Taking a bath in warm water is so relaxing.  I alternate between lavender or  eucalyptus bubble bath and a new lemon scented bath soak.  Seeing my belly poke out over the top of the bubbles is getting to be a regular sight.  That being said…getting out of the bathtub feels like a death trap.
• Someone will ask if you are having twins.  If you are not…it will take every ounce of energy not to throat punch them.  Seriously.  If it wasn’t acceptable to make comments about my weight before the pregnancy, now isn’t the time.
• Your boobs get bigger.  And for my fellow small chested ladies, you think this is a dream come true.  Yeah…about that.  Your nipples have a life of their own, the veins make them look more like a road map, and – if you are me – you are never quite sure what to do with them.  There are also times they will be incredibly sore. So sore that they wake you up at night.  That being said, get at least one fancy bra that pushes them up to your chin and marvel at the short-lived wonder!
• Hemorrhoids.  I’ve heard that they can be much more terrifying after the baby is born.  Not sure how to treat them after labor and delivery, but I keep a stash of witch hazel wipes at home and work to help provide some relief.
• Sitting all day will cause you back pain.  Standing all day will cause you back pain.  So…yeah.  Have fun figuring out that math equation.
• Round ligament pain basically means that you can’t stand up too quickly or twist in a funny way without lightening bolts zipping across your abdomen.
• You Google more than you should.  You will tell yourself that you won’t be that woman.  But you will be…at least a time or two.  Let yourself be totally freaked out by the internet and then STOP IT.  AND NEVER LOOK AT THE IMAGES!!
• Finally, no one told me that there will be times when I feel like an absolute Amazon warrior princess.  My belly bump reminds me of this incredible thing that women are capable of.  The same women that shame and doubt our bodies on an almost endless basis are also responsible for nurturing and growing new life.  There are times that I feel so incredible, so powerful, and so beautiful.  Sure, there are times when I feel completely out of control and somewhat helpless.  But there is something incredibly empowering about what my body is doing.

What is one thing they didn’t tell you about pregnancy – good or bad or gross – that surprised you?!